Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
This is a bad sign
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae