if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
You Might Also Like
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.