My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
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Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this