I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Vodka burrito was a success
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I missed you with all my darts
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
🙂🙃🥹
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal