FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
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an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Make new friends? bro out of what?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot