called in thicc to work this morning
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Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
we all know this pain all too well
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”