DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
🤣😈🤣
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]