first you must answer his riddles
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I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable