People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
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Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*