The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.