[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
I’m ready for Halloween this year
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Favourite diary entry ever
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Every haunted house movie:
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.