[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
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You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.