Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
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The glockness monster
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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