I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
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I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
yeah 😭
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home