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If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I was bored.
Who chose this font
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
BRAKING NEWS!!
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.