I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
You Might Also Like
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
first you must answer his riddles
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work