Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.