Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
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i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
At least try to make it slightly believable
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi