Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You Might Also Like
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Husband of the year 😂
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Why am I like this?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
mmm onion ringos
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?