I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!