About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
You Might Also Like
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job