Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
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HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Something Saturday.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals