You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Never be a pizza!
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace