The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *