Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
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Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE