My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.