I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.