You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it