Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.