Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.