Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
This was my dad’s browser history.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.