[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
yes… yes…
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.