“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more