It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*aggressively waits in line*
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Just ordered me some pizza!
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.