Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
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date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
so this horse walks into a bar
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.