*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.