I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
reviewed some movies recently
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light