Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
You Might Also Like
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now