Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”