angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.