On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
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Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?