If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
This guy gets it.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
The Wolf of Wall Street.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from