I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.