If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s