Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
You Might Also Like
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Not😆🤣
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
how high up are we talkin’?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside