We found love in a hopeless place.
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Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m being attacked 😭
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.