When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.