Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.