Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!