A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
You Might Also Like
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*